Self-Awareness
Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I shall have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it, even if I may not have it at the beginning. ~ Mahatma Gandhi
I have always believed understanding oneself to be our greatest and most fulfilling journey. While walking the path we experience pain, joy, a little sadness, confusion, clarity, brutal honesty, and, most importantly, enlightenment. Well, it is my hope most of us choose to tread down such a path because in the end, it makes us all better people benefitting both the individual and society. If you look at the world we currently reside, the notion I am purporting may seem like I am wearing rose-colored glasses. If so, pessimism also leads to greater self-awareness.
If you think I am going to write about our pandemic situation, think again. If I read one more tag line referring to these difficult times or this challenging time, I am going to grip my overly long, carefully cultivated hair, which needs cutting mind you, and scream bloody murder. I get it; we are in the new normal, navigating uncharted waters during a scary time in our history, could we please stop reliving it? Oh my, see what I did there near the end of my last sentence? Time to pull out my hair and start screaming.
In both my personal and professional lives, I have been privy to a concept I feel most people gloss over as self-evident. When I began to study Zen, the notion I speak of emerged in full clarity, while continuing to reinforce its presence when I began to take management development courses as a State employee. This mystical concept is none other than the art of self-awareness and it is, indeed, an art form. Written works and motivational speakers expound its life altering effects to the high heavens. I will leave you to your own devices if this sounds interesting by providing a couple links below to begin your journey.
Regardless of one’s perspective, the definition of self-awareness is easier to articulate until the time comes to practice it. It does not happen automatically nor allow you to instantly evolve in to some type of savant and the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound. It takes a lifetime and the minute one thinks they have it figured out; a curve ball will come around to smack them right in the face. One could argue what I just described is life summed up in a nutshell, which leads to the crux of this month’s post.
A number of my prior writings, especially one from April 2019 titled, Our Inner Dialogue, reference my own internal struggles to navigate not only the creative process but also how our internal musings can potentially sabotage personal endeavors. In a similar post titled, What Lies Beneath from October 2019, I highlight with the same brutal honesty I mention earlier in this post, I really did not believe my own words and reasons for writing. I merely offer this synopsis for context due to a recent bought of self-discovery, which provided the necessary perspective.
Actions speak louder than words is how Abraham Lincoln put it in 1856, although some sources chart the expression as far back as 1628. No matter its date of origin, the meaning has not waned over the course of time. Our actions truly display our real attitudes, while often defying what we say, and my experiences are no different. The written word I have expressed in this blog comes from a place of conviction and passion for the craft; however, my actions outside of it have been contradictory.
July 2020 will be the two-year mark since the publication of The Cradle of Destiny. Aside from fining tuning a number of character backgrounds, updates to the series glossary and creating an outline for book two, nothing else has been done. No substantive content creation apart from writing in this blog. When I reflected on my lackluster attempts to move forward on my story, I had to step back and ask myself, Why? If I proclaim to myself, my husband and others around me, writing is my joy and something I thoroughly love to do, then why am I not doing it?
During moments of profound inspiration, where I am practically writing mounds of character dialogue in my head, I find myself visualizing how I will sit down and write said dialogue, only to divert my attention to something else. It would be some intricate, robust story driven computer game or project around the house that realistically could wait a little longer to be completed. The same level of visualization I used in my head to create those character interactions is the same I would use to talk myself out of putting butt in chair and writing about a story I claim to love.
For the longest time this has been exceptionally puzzling to me. How could my attention be so easily drawn away from a story I initially created when I was 16 and cared so much about? I have attempted to answer this question through self-reflection and eliciting input from those who know me best but to no avail. The input I received from others was helpful, but my mind refused to listen much like Scarlet O’Hara from Gone With The Wind who often proclaimed; Fiddle de dee, I’ll worry about that tomorrow.
Guidance down the path of self-awareness will often come when you least expect it and when your limits have been reached. I received such guidance not too long ago from two sources, I should have expected; my husband and the very story that inspired me to write in the first place, Star Wars.
After voicing my conundrum during one of our walks in the area where we live and stipulating once again I had moved on with the notion my story would probably go nowhere, he looked at me and said, I don’t think you have moved on from anything. You have buried yourself in other tasks that give you a sense of completion and satisfaction because you are not feeling the same with you writing. Ah, you have to love those nuggets of wisdom from those who give it to you straight.
The conversation we had above is an abridged version and suffice to say, I walked away from it more confident than the previous months. My own philosophy is no matter what other additional hobbies or distractions you may have, if your primary love is the most important, in this case my writing, it will rise to the top of any priority list allowing all other distractions to take a backseat. This approach only works properly under the following condition - if you have been honest with yourself about intent.
What I have learned while walking this path is many of the issues, I thought had been resolved were merely put on a shelf to deal or not deal with later. In doing so, I took valuable time away from one of the things I care about most, which is a bit surprising. I have never been one who shies away from having difficult conversations no matter how personal. When I put my writing on such a high pedestal, I had convinced myself the only measurable success was if The Cradle of Destiny rose to best seller status.
This all finally came to a head when I watched, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. I will not summarize the story here given most already know it. When the movie itself ended, it dawned on me the saga had also ended; a saga that inspired me to put pencil to paper and begin my own journey towards creating The Sy’Arrian Legacy Series. This was very emotional and my tears of satisfaction for a superbly crafted ending to a saga, which continues to influence generations, turned to tears of insight.
You see, what I realized is life had gotten in the way. The time and focus on my writing when I was a teenager had been replaced with serving in the military, striving to be a better partner/husband, and changing my outlook on life in a philosophical way, all of which are lifetime endeavors. Watching The Rise of Skywalker allowed remembrance of when I was a boy, walking out of the theater in awe after having seen Star Wars.
If you obtain any bit of insight from this post, my hope is you remember any type of content creation is not regulated to a specific age group or placed in the frivolous pursuits category when charting the course of your life. Similar to the characters in your stories, if you painstakingly plan too far ahead, life tends to slap you up aside the head as a reminder of who is in charge.
Be flexible in your thinking and malleable to change. Do not chastise yourself because life gets in the way; it is going to happen one way or another. Learn to listen to those who know you best as they are the harsh critic who will keep you on course.
If you learn to practice true self-awareness and never forget what truly inspires you to create something from nothing, what appears to be lost will find its way back to you because it never really left your side.
Resources:
Self-Awareness: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-awareness
