The Labeling Syndrome

Discussion

Mar 28

The inspiration for this month’s writing was both timely and opportunistic. As I begin to close out my presence on Facebook and Instagram, while simultaneously starting fresh on BlueSky and Substack, a degree of intrepidity is required for such a shift in platforms to be successful. Substack is much more robust than I had originally suspected. I have to say, its content creation features, especially for writers, is long overdue as the need for self-promotion in tandem with obtaining professional services, such as those from a brick-and-mortar publisher or agent, continues to grow.

In an effort to begin growing my presence on Substack, I have been posting select writings from my blog at gregorydcurrent.com. One of these postings caught the eye of a dear friend of mine due to one of those pesky notification emails we all receive when subscribed to content creators we deem worthy of following. One of the little bonuses of using Substack is I actually get to annoy people to visit and read my content without being too excessive about it. Although I am being a little cheeky, the notification feature does take the guess work out of who is/is not reading my content.

The post in question was from July 2024 titled, To Boldly Not Go, where I highlight the caveat syndrome, LGBTQ2AS+ representation, and traditional gender roles. In said post, I point to a glaringly obvious omission from the Star Trek franchise, asking why we have not seen a queer male captain who is also the main protagonist. Juxtaposed to this observation was dispelling this notion, audiences find it more palatable when queer representation is between two women, a draconian holdover from the good old days when white, hetero men held most positions of power and dictated to everyone else how they should identify.

Before I introduce my friend’s insightful and wisdom laced words, a person who I consider family, I will be taking a slightly different approach when discussing this month’s content by stating my position upfront rather than lightly sprinkling it throughout the post. Since I began writing creatively at the age of 16, I have learned when it is both advantageous and appropriate to state your opinion boldly. This leaves little room for wrongful interpretation and often gets those creative juices flowing in the right direction. It also helps assuage the overly triggered and unnuanced brains taking up space in this era by clearly stating your viewpoint, thus avoiding excessive caveats which only serve to bore the shit out of people.

As a member of the queer community, I want to be crystal clear on where I stand regarding what it means to be inclusive and compassionate, while spreading unconditional love. I will, according to one of the Five Agreements as articulated by don Miguel Ruiz, be impeccable with my word. It means I will enter this conversation with respect and self-awareness as to how my speech may be construed based on the myriad of life experiences of those seeing and/or hearing these words.

In the same breath, I will not be unabashed in stating my belief about a practice often doing more harm than what its original intentions would have you believe. This, inherently, does not invalidate said practice nor bring discredit to it. As with all positive changes throughout the course of history, it is the individualized and stylized human element, which creates unnecessary convolution in its desire to create understanding and clarity related to divisive social issues. What is most often missed, when left to their own devices, certain social initiatives work themselves out with only slight nudges, rather than being shoved off a cliff.

In stating my bold and upfront belief, I will use the words of my close friend, because I not only share his sentiments but when one states something so eloquently, I believe in working smarter not harder. Just make sure if you do the same thing, cite and give credit to your source. Here is what he said:

I have noticed over the past ten to twenty years this growing concern over gender, sexual orientation and so many other categories defined by humans today.

I personally find it sad that folks, especially the very young, have become obsessed with categorizing and boxing their fellow beings. Of course, this has been going on for thousands of years, in one form or another.

While I do indeed understand their need to belong and for acceptance, I think what is happening is the creation of further divisions amongst each other.

In the references section of this post, you will notice a plethora of resources serving to inform observations and opinions from yours truly. As a member of my agency’s Gender Empowerment Affinity Group, I took part in a 2024 summer reading program, where we picked and read three books focusing on gender identity: Nonbinary for Beginners, Gender Queer, and Man Alive. What I learned from each author’s unique lived experience opened my eyes even more to those who are often misunderstood and marginalized even in the queer community. It also served to provide clarity related to something I always knew about myself but could not discern, mostly due to the fact much of this information was not available when I assumed the label of being gay.

Much like the authors who wrote the aforementioned books, I struggled for most of my life to figure out where I fit in amongst my queer counterparts. On one hand, there were very clear descriptors for the LGB letters in LGBTQ, albeit most were stereotypical, while some were developed by those in the queer community who could not be bothered to think outside of their world view. I was too straight acting, while also not fitting into the neatly crafted box to be considered a twink or twunk.

I consider this a good thing given I am five feet, six inches tall, muscular and consider myself to be just a dude. I was often told; Greg you are not a typical gay man. When you put the need to form a strong emotional bond with someone first before becoming intimate and an indifference towards sex, I was more of an outsider in a community where I sought refuge and understanding than the one who vilifies the LGBTQ2AS+ community to this day. Top it off with the fact I prefer younger men, which is also met with a certain level of prejudice or disdain within the queer community, and I am surprised I have been able to be involved with anyone, especially when you consider the multitude of attributes one must meet to ensure everyone around them is comfortable with choices not directly affecting them.

Fast forward a few decades. As an older man, I am now faced with another arbitrary rule set of how I should present myself in the queer community, where I am further reduced to a type of fetish by being labeled as a daddy or sugar daddy. Let me get one thing straight while I have everyone’s, hopefully, undivided attention. I do not care if someone I am interested in is two or 20 years younger than me, I am no one’s frickin daddy. I understand sometimes people use these terms to joke around and tease others. I have no problem with it, and I typically have a little fun with them myself; however, in the last four to six years an obsession has emerged where, in my opinion, they have become qualifiers, especially when questions emerge as to whether you are a top, bottom, or versatile.

I have even seen situations where someone will not even remotely consider getting to know or date someone based on a sexual position, e.g., a bottom not date another bottom. People are willing to potentially miss developing meaningful relationships based on a myopic view of a beautiful act where there are literally dozens and dozens of ways to engage in it. Talk about creating further divisions amongst each other.

Roughly two years prior to my 24-year marriage ending, my husband and I, began having even more in-depth conversations regarding aspects of ourselves we had put on the proverbial shelf. For me, it was exploring and coming to terms with the fact, I am actually asexual or ACE as it is known in the ACE community. Now, a little over one year later since we parted ways, I have done further reflection and educated myself on what being ACE really means to me. I feel fortunate my ex-husband and I remain close friends, so we can run things by each other as new paths open up to us.

When reflecting back on my three long-term relationships I can, unequivocally, see one thing very clearly. I have always been ACE, I simply lacked the knowledge to see it. Asexual is also an orientation, which means I had to shift from a label I assumed to one that now just makes perfect sense. I am ACE, sex positive, aromantic whose primary attraction is men.

Now, I am not so naïve to think you, my wonderful readers, did not notice what I just did. For someone who mislabeled himself and experienced marginalization at the hands of a marginalized group, I sure have spent a lot of time figuring out my labels. Does it not, then, make me no better than the ones who have slapped those labels on me without my consent? I not only say no but hell no and here is why.

When I am in the presence of those who are from the queer community, especially those whose orientation is similar to mine, I use my descriptors to provide clarity and demonstrate respect. I know fully well they get it and get me. There is comfort in understanding, which provides a breath of fresh air and a moment to pause knowing I do not have to explain myself. The one small difference between myself and so many others is I do not hang my hat on these descriptors. As I am a writer, I have enough intellectual capacity to know they are just words. These words are not absolute and certainly should not be used as judgement tools or ways to delegitimize based on arbitrary rule sets of belonging.

Although labels can offer a sense of identity, community, and recognition, they can also create what has been referred to as ingroups and out-groups, where we have a positive view of someone from our group yet have a neutral or negative view of someone outside our group. So instead of thinking about our shared humanity as we, an us and them mentality is created instead.

In this way labels fail to capture the complexity, diversity, and wholeness of our humanity, and have the potential to reinforce stereotypes, which contribute to discrimination and oppression. Certain labels may also carry social stigma or negative connotations, leading to social exclusion and marginalization of those who identify with them.

The two paragraphs above were taken from the Foundation for Change article, The Double-Edge Sword of Labels. When my good friend conveyed a personal story of how his son was concerned about a number of labels being put on him, while struggling to still find himself, my friend simply stated while each of these labels might speak about a characteristic of his nature, they alone did not define him. Truer words have never been spoken.

The story of my friend’s son is my story and, dare I say, the story of us all. We have always existed and the more we construct boxes under the guise of creating shared understanding, the further away we push each other. This also applies to the myriad of ways we can stay in contact with each other based on current technologies, which have only served to keep us further apart and, in reality, have us communicating less. It is easier to put someone on ignore than engaging them in the field of ideas.

I have always held; age does not automatically bestow wisdom. In my experience, one must first cultivate humility, which allows for the foundation of wisdom to be built. Although I may use certain descriptors for clarity and as a sign of respect, I have never been confused about who I am, truly. I am simply Greg and that is really all there is to it.

Until next time, your moment of Zen is to talk less, do more and be humble. This will allow wisdom to take hold and give you the ability to help yourself, while being effective in helping guide others to take their journey towards living in the moment.

Be safe, be well and let us get back to honing the fine art of creative writing.

References

Ace Voices: What it Means to Be Asexual, Aromantic, Demi or Grey Ace by Eris Young

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/61405110-ace-voices

The Double-Edged Sword of Labels

https://www.foundationforchange.org.uk/blog/sword-labels

Gay Stereotypes

https://coggle.it/diagram/WJTAVJHzRQABc4cU/t/gay-stereotypes

Gender Queer by Maia Kobabe

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_Queer

Labeling Theory (Wikipedia)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labeling_theory