What Lies Beneath
Aside from being a chapter title in The Cradle of Destiny, the label for this post is intended to take a deep dive into what truly motivates us to create content for ourselves and others to enjoy. Be mindful of your expectations because I doubt what is highlighted in this writing will be what you think. I will be lobbing harsh criticism at myself while shedding light on internal musings I have remained oblivious and indifferent towards.
Regarding creative pursuits, if I were to ask you, why do you create? What is the main reason for putting your thoughts into action? Aside from bordering on the rhetorical, I could venture a number of safe assumptions, many of them being my own; I write because I enjoy it, I want to inspire others, or my personal favorite, My characters will not shut up until I start writing about them.
We creative types are often reflective thinkers. When posed with questions requiring a delve into the imaginative recesses of our minds, a more philosophical approach is necessitated; hence, there is no easy way to nail down all the motivators.
I seriously doubt there are only one or two key elements, which make us brave enough to toss our artistic muses out for the whole world to see. In my personal experience, I believe it is those we meet on life’s path who assist to both inspire and challenge us. The greatest trial, however, is understanding our own minds and recognizing when it is time to have a very raw conversation about what tests our perceptions, which leads me to the main reason for writing this post.
In previous writings, I have touched on instances where I have struggled to find my way in an inconsistent, unforgiving, and fickle arena. It has made me question my craft, along with the competency and aptitude to perform it effectively despite the overwhelmingly positive feedback I have received.
In my April 2019, Our Inner Dialogue post, I even spoke to how my emotional investment in the Sy’Arrian Legacy Series has played a role in pitting my mind against what is reasonable and rational to expect. When you factor in the personal let downs since The Cradle of Destiny has been published, plus the fact I just received word I have zero sales in the third quarter of 2019, a very forceful voice in my head shouts, Why bother?
Why bother indeed. Everyone around me offers wonderfully crafted and logical reasons to possibly explain why my first book appears to be a dismal failure but it still does not solve the issue. If anything, it only feeds more into the oh well, why bother scenario.
I am truly grateful and appreciative of the insights I receive from those who often see perspectives I do not. I do take the advice to heart, but I must be honest of how dichotomous my mind tends to be when processing these types of difficulties. I understand I am not unique in this conundrum given almost everyone experiences these types of challenges more than once throughout their lives. I suspect the powerlessness we feel during these tribulations muddies the water so greatly we fail to see any solution and default to habitual defenses. In my case, I tend to fold up my tent too easily and proclaim, I did everything I could. Did I?
In the last few months, my creative side continues to churn, and my characters refuse to shut up; they are nothing but prolific in this area I assure you. What I have learned during this contemplative sojourn is I have been hypocritical, inflicting a double standard serving no discernible purpose except to make things more difficult than what they need to be.
I would tell myself and others, my main reason for writing is to give back to a genre that has inspired me and given countless hours of enjoyment. I have claimed an understanding of I may not make a lot on my first book, perhaps not even my second. It is more about getting my name out there, I have declared while receiving enthusiastic and confirming nods from those around me; I certainly was saying all the right things.
Here is the brutal truth in everything I have said and written up to this point; I really did not believe it. I continually strayed away from the subject of personal recognition, thinking it to be too egotistical and pretentious to be included in my circle of writing. In my personal life, I cannot stand people who think they are better than others due to arbitrary, concocted rule sets designed to merely prop up their egos. My mother would always remind each of her children, you are no better than anyone else.
What I have come to understand is wanting some form of personal recognition for an accomplishment is not egotistical nor wrong. Dare I say it should be considered healthy and normal, while it also should not be the only reason why you do something.
In the case of The Cradle of Destiny, I wanted to be recognized for fulfilling a goal I thought would never be realized. It has been and still is a huge aspect of my creative endeavors. I envisioned people investing time in my characters and story, while taking time to provide insights on what they would like to see. As time has progressed, and the vision of what I had hoped would come to fruition continues to blur, I almost made a fatalistic mistake; stop doing what means the most to me – my writing.
What I have learned so far on my writing journey thus far is giving up should never enter my mind. If I do, I not only do a disservice to myself and the craft, I abandon and harm my characters. I destroy a universe full of possibilities and let myself down in the process, all due to my own concocted and arbitrary rule set.
Rest assured, the above will not happen because I refuse to allow it. No matter where the direction my future books may go, I will continue to create. I owe it to those who have come before me, those who come after me, my loved ones, my mentors, my characters, and myself.
Stay tuned for book two in my series, The Fury of Ages.
